I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
