I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
