I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize