I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
