I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the raccoons are back...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
