Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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