So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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