I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
