So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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