I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
