There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
