I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
