happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
