...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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