drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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