I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my phone needs a breathalizer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How does it feel to date your dad?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize