Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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