Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
