I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
