I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
