I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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