Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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