I'm so fucking centered right now
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
