On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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