I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I didn't shave. On purpose
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
