I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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