I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
