Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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