I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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