I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
