Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize