i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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