You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
only if we run a train.
done.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
