dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
