he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
