What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
