I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
