sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize