I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dignity is for republicans.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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