Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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