I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
