When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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