We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
