she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize