I heard we made out
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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