Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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