Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
