Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
