I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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