My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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