I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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