I think my fart just growled at me.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
