naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
