I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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