Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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