just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize