This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize