I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
