I wish I could teleport
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my shit smells like andre
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
