i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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