Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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