She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
