tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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