Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
