all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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