Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
