I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
