I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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