I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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