I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
