I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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